Small Town News (also known as the longest blog entry ever)

I just received (sad, sad) word from the old country that Mrs. Helen Neil has passed.

Helen Neil is legendary in my hometown for the wares she enters into the exhibit hall of the agricultural society fair and rodeo (the 110th annual will be celebrated July 11-13 - you should all get yourselves there). Every year, she takes home the (faux, I'm sure) golden watch for receiving the most winning entries. She is the Wayne Gretzy of the small town fair exhibit hall circuit, if you will.

And now, she's gone.

It makes me a bit sad, actually. I mean, baking pies, canning vegetables, it's all become such a lost art. And every year when I go home for the fair (i NEVER miss it), I notice fewer and fewer exhibits in the highschool gym.

So to honour Mrs. Neil, I've resurrected (pun not intended on that actually) a note I sent to my best journalism school gal pals back in (OMG!) 2004, the last time I entered an exihibit at the fair.

It goes like this -

Ladies, get your Depends on bc you are about to piss yourselves.

My weekend - well it was the 106th annual ag society fair and rodeo. This is a special time of year for the entire town as friends and family gather for a good ol time. For me it's special bc I get to showcase my farm-wifery skills to all the young eligible bachelors. Get your minds out of the gutter girls, I'm talking about the exhibit hall where I enter my pies and muffins.

On the Wednesday prior to the fair I baked 15 pies, 4 of which I entered into the fair. I was really on my game, girls. My crust was light and flaky, it rolled beautifully and browned perfectly, likely bc my special ingredient is love.

When I brought them to the exhibit hall on Friday morning I got the distinct impression that those old ladies didn't like the cut of my jib. They don't take kindly to a young career woman like myself waltzing in with only a mere couple years of pie baking experience when they have been working at their craft for like 80 years now. Bitches. Don't they remember like 100 years ago when they were bright eyed, fresh faced exhibitors? I'd like to snap their hips like a twig.

Anyway, I was very nervous and had butterflies in my tummy all day, just knowing that I was being judged and all. Plus last year I was a new exhibitor but this year, I was competing with the big girls, Helen Neil, Mary Michaluk, I mean these are seasoned pie bakers. In anticipation of the media frenzy I would surely create, I prepared a few TSN clips.

Before the contest: "You know I gave it 110 per cent and really it's in the hands of the judges now."

If I won: "You know I gave it 110 per cent and it reallly paid off. The key to the game was the crust. It rolled beautifully, browned perfectly and I couldn't have asked for more."

If I didn't win: "You know I gave it 110 per cent but it just wasn't my year. I give those ol gals credit. Mary Michaluk, Helen Neil, they bake a good pie. All I can do is take a knee and come back strong next year."

K-Bell [journalism prof] would surely be pleased with the whale of this story. You see, I hooked you with the Depends thing, then I provided context, there's some build up and I'm about to climax. Again, get your minds out of the gutter.

Anyway, I know you are dying to hear the results. That's why now is a good time to pause for station identifcation and a word from our sponsors. Just kidding! So, here it is...

First, I won the Alma Gallant Memorial Special. This is a two crust raisin pie. Winning this was a real feather in my cap since I have never before made a raisin pie AND I edged out Mary Michaluk for the win.

My apple pie with a crumb top (Class 7, Section 184) placed third, as did my any other fruit pie (Class 7, Section 188). This was a bit of a let down since it was a delightful combination of rasberry, blueberry and rhubarb featuring a skillfully woven lattice top. It looked like Martha herself could have baked it.

My banana chocolate chip muffins also placed third in the Canola Growers any-muffin-using- canola-oil category. I had to sign a media release form saying they could print my name or use my picture in any Canola Growers publication. I had my legal team look it over and it seemd legit so I signed.

The real disappointment of the weekend came in the Tenderflake pie bake category, which I was completely shut out of, something I attribute to ageism. Just bc my pie didn't smell like mothballs and urine, those judges knew it was made by a young person and would not even look at it. A shame bc it was peach and plum, a nice seasonal pie I was later told.

So next year I am going to make a Micheal Moore style documentary exposing the seedy underbelly of the county fair exhibit hall. That's where you girls come in.

Whiskey, you're going to do all the camera work. You're going to have to go in for some real in-your-face kind of shots when I uncover the scandal that Red Rose flour is being used in the Robin Hood flour best muffin contest.

Dani - you are going to pose as the sweet yet a little bit sultry city-slicker reporter. They'll have that deer-in-the-headlights look when you start asking those hard hitting questions like "Is that canned filling?" and "Can you confirm or deny reports that is a prepared Tenderflake pie shell?"

Wags - I'm going to need you to be my mole on the inside and I'm not going to lie to you, you may be required to sleep with a judge or two. We are going to blow the lid off this injustice and unlike Moore, I won't need to worry about finding a distributor. Jo and I are buying Access 13 (the community televsion channel) with her husband's money of course and we'll run the doc ad infinitum.

Anyway, back to how fabulous I am. My lemon balm swept the any-potted-herb category. Yep, that bush of mine is huge.

SO to recap, that's three thirds and two firsts (and I made $23, tho it's more about the prestige than the money) once again proving I am marriage material. I am very surprised by the fact that there were no proposals tho. Jo's sister Lori says I have so much to offer. Let's take stock: I can bake pie and muffins, I'm funny, smart, beautiful, look cute in pigtails and a floppy hat with a sunburned nose, and have a nice rack. For the record, these are all attributes that others pointed out and not me blowing my own horn. But at this rate, with all my old lady extra-curricular activities, I'll probably skip children and go straight to grand-children anyway.

Next year, Jo, Treen and I are sponsoring our own category - The McSmelchuk Special - named for Treen, Jo and myself. There's going to be big prize money involved, $10, $6 and $4 for 1st, 2nd and 3rd respectively. We're still debating what it should be for tho.

Treen says it should be commenmorative of our time spent at Uof M. Maybe nicest set of glasses stolen from a campus bar or best self-portrait taken with a funsaver camera whilst intoxicated. Jo thinks it should be something to demonstrate you are a perfect wife like fastest to pack a lunch and change a diaper. Personally I think it should be for the best home-made beer or special brownies.

Until next time ladies,
d.machine